I’ve been in the Canary Islands for 7 and 1/2 weeks. With only 5 and 1/2 weeks left here, life has started to catch up with me. Not every day can be full of only laughter, sea food, and progress in the Spanish language.

God has not taken away the pain that comes along with living in a sinful world, but today he very clearly wanted me to know that I am beautiful and that the things I say and do really do encourage people to look to him.

This is only through his grace. All praise be to God.

Lately I feel as if I haven’t been accomplishing anything.

Lately I’ve been screwing up, putting things off, not communicating with people I should be communicating with, and I just need to know that I’m human.

So I’m human, right? Just like you?

I don’t have to have everything figured out in order to grow up, right?

And part of growing up is realizing that I DON’T have everything figured out, right?

And isn’t the whole part about me being a foolish, sinful human being a BIG part of the Gospel?

Yeah.

The reason I came here in the first place.

On and on and on we go just like a carousel that’s lost control

We don’t know why we don’t know why we go we go we go in circles

-Paper Route

The other day I was talking to my friend Dave Ferrier on Skype chat. We were talking about life. School. People. Greek (the language). Music.

The usual stuff.

While we were talking he reminded me of something our friend and former teacher, Steve Webster, said one day while we were sitting behind those desks that I had sat behind every week day for what felt like all of my life. It went something like this:

There are two things in life that will last forever: people and the Word of God. It would be wise of you to invest your time into both.

I may have gotten it totally wrong, but nevertheless it helps me prove my point.

Europe needs the Gospel.

Before I came to the Canary Islands, I would have these moments of doubt. People would ask me what I was going to do while here, and I would respond with “build relationships with people.” For some reason I started to think that that was a lame answer.

I’m not here to dig wells. I’m not here to start an orphanage. I don’t have to bathe out of a 5 gallon bucket. I don’t have to eat rice and beans three times a day. I don’t have to keep my faith a secret. I don’t have to lead a Bible Study.

I’m here to build relationships? Yep.

I think these moments of doubt would come when I was being the least selfish.

Sure. I was coming here to learn Spanish. I was coming here because I love to travel. I was coming here because I wanted to live in a different country for a little while. I was coming here because I’ve seriously thought about being a missionary. I was coming here…

Get my point?

It took me a month to FULLY realize that building relationships with people is worth it. I think I figured it out before I talked to Dave, but he helped me put it into words.

I could give you statistics about Europe. About Spain. About the Canary Islands. But a lot of times a number is just a number.

Let me put it this way…

My friends are still trying to figure out “what” I am.

Because I read the Bible because I want to.

Because I go to church because I want to.

I think they think it’s strange that I’m not forced to do these things by anyone or anything.

In other words, they haven’t really met anyone like me before.

Are you starting to figure this out?

15 girls. 15 friends. 15 people who have no idea what a Christian looks like.

Europe needs the Gospel.

Our prayers are needed. Our lives are needed. Heck, our money is needed.

God is going to do what He’s going to do. He wants us to be a part of it.

Why would we NOT be a part of it?!

I finally bought Paper Route’s album “Absence” earlier this week. I’ve been listening to it nonstop since.

It’s really good. You should definitely check it out.

Michelle is one of the girls I met last week in Switzerland. She’s currently an MK (missionary kid) in France. For some reason the two of us just connected right away. She was an encouragement to me all week long. I hope that I was an encouragement to her as well.

Last Tuesday around 16:00 (aka 4:00 p.m.) I was hanging out with people who speak English. Laughing my head off. Using slang words like “yo” and “dude.”

This Tuesday was different.

This Tuesday at 16:00 I was sitting in a classroom on the first (actually second) floor of El Servicio de Idiomas building doing my best to remember what acostarse meant. It means to go to bed. Irony…it’s what I want to do right now.

Anyway, I survived my Spanish class. The Germans helped me with my missed assignments, and the French helped me with their smiles and goodbyes.

I’m pretty shy in my Spanish class. It’s not because I have to speak Spanish in my Spanish class. It’s because I’m shy in any classroom. I’m scared to ask questions. I’m scared to give answers. Even if I know that they’re correct. I’m slowly getting over this. I have a few more years before I’m done with the classroom anyway.

Outside of the classroom I’m not scared to ask questions.

Not at all.

Most of them begin with “why.”

More like…”WHY?!?!”

Most of them also go unanswered.

That’s ok. It just means that most of them don’t need an answer. I’m ok with that.

But some of them continue to frustrate me…

Next to the Word of God, people are the most important thing that I can invest my time and life and heart into, right?!

So why does God continue to put me in situations where I meet someone that I connect with. Spend large amounts of time with. Laugh with. Begin to love. And then take me out of their presence and never let us cross paths again?

Why does He continue to make me sit back and watch people’s lives play out from afar, and not allow me to be a part of them?

Why does He continue to put things (good things) RIGHT in front of me that I desire more than most things in life, and then take them away from me without even letting me get near them?!

And why does He let me get near things that only harm me?

Why does He bring pain to those that I love during the times that I can’t be there to help support them?

Some of these answers are getting clearer as I write the questions down, and some of them still continue to frustrate me.

If there is one thing that I can always find comfort in, it is the FACT that God has yet to let me down so far. And there’s good evidence that He will never do so in the future either.

…It’s more than I can say for myself.

First night in Switzerland…

we like our fondue.

At the Chillon Castle…

on our way to the dungeon.

At the train station, starting our journey home…

we haven’t seen each other all week!

Hooray for train rides…

and free time in the Geneva airport.

A week has gone by, and I am now home.

Or at least I think I’m home. Lately I’ve been struggling with what “home” is.

I’m homesick.

I’m in my room once again. The street is busy and noisy below my window. There’s a 1,5 liter bottle of water sitting close to my right hand, and a package of galletas sitting close to my left. My suitcase is laying on my floor, open but yet to be unpacked, and my backpack is laying on my bed. Only my computer and computer cords have been taken from its pockets.

Last week was one of the coolest things that I have ever experienced. I’m still trying to process all the things that happened, and I’m still trying to figure out what the Lord was doing in my heart.

He was doing something big. You and I both know that He likes to do stuff like that.

But now the week is over, and I’m in Tenerife once again.

This is hard. I should start keeping a tally of how many times I say that.

But really, this is hard.

I have to start speaking Spanish again.

I have to go back to class.

I have to start investing my life into others instead of waiting for other people to invest their lives into me.

However, this past week was more than worth it. And just like every other time that I have come home it has not taken me long to get used to the fact that there’s a thin layer of sand on the bottom of my feet (even though I totally mopped my floor before I left), and there’s a constant pool of water around my toilet. I think it’s leaking.

So maybe I can kill spiders on my own, but a leaky toilet? Sometimes Dad is NEEDED.

I’m looking forward to sleeping in my “own” bed, and sleeping on my “own” pillow. I never thought that I would say that. Then again, I never thought that I would have to sleep on a pillow less exciting than the one I’ve been sleeping on for the past month.

Yes, I have been gone for over a month. I can’t believe it either.

So, I should get some sleep now. Because tomorrow I will have to wake up.

Because tomorrow I will have to speak Spanish.

Because tomorrow I will get to see my friends.

Because tomorrow I have to do laundry.

Because tomorrow the sun will rise.

And because His love is more faithful than the morning…

I will survive.

I will even enjoy myself.

One day at a time.

I am here.

I am having a wonderful time.

I’m rooming with a 25 year old girl who is really cool. She’s been a missionary for about three years now, and she started out as an intern just like me.

This week has potential to turn into the coolest thing I’ve ever been a part of.

Each morning I get to pray with women who have been missionaries for 25 years.

Each afternoon I get to be challenged with Scripture.

Each evening I get to encourage high school girls who currently live in France, and Italy, and Germany.

It’s very very very cool.

I am enjoying myself.

Please pray that my heart will be open and teachable this week.

On Friday I get to travel. I like traveling. Myself and the two english speaking families that live here are going to Suiza (Switzerland) for a week. We get to do a little sight seeing, but we’ll mainly be there to attend a conference for CruzMundo.

I am really looking forward to this. I know that the Lord is going to take this opportunity to teach me a lot of things. Things about myself and others, but mainly about Him. He likes doing things like that.

So we will fly into Suiza, take the train, stay a hostel for one evening, and then spend the rest of our time in a hotel. I am hoping and praying that this hotel has nice big comfy beds with nice big comfy pillows. My bed here is not exactly the most comfortable piece of furniture I’ve ever slept on. At some point we will hopefully get to stop at a Starbucks. Claudia and I already checked, and there are a couple near where we’ll be staying. I have good memories attached to Starbucks, so I’m looking forward to this. Plus, it’ll be another taste of America. It’s like eating McDonald’s outside of the States. Every one eats McDonald’s when they go to a foreign country because it’s McDonald’s. Even if they don’t eat McDonald’s in the States. Besides, in Germany they have McBeer. Was that appropriate? Who knows. I blame it on the fact that I’m currently living in a country where the legal drinking age is 18.

So I’m looking forward to sipping a cup of coffee in the Swiss Alps while wearing a big comfy sweater. Who wouldn’t look forward to that?!

But not all of life is expectations and daydreams.

Lately I’ve been getting really good at screw-ups and letdowns. I don’t get up to my alarm in the morning. I usually miss breakfast. I focus on myself. Focus on my wants. Make my relationship with the Lord the last thing on my priority list, and start to sink into a pattern of sin, and lies, and discomfort.

Today as I was walking to my class I was arguing with myself in my head. In English. And the last thing I thought was “If you want to enjoy life, then enjoy God.”

Why can’t I just do what I need to? Why can’t I serve the Lord with all of my heart all of the time?!

I want SO DESPERATELY to be able to tell you that all is well, and good, and wonderful, and that everything is just getting better as time passes.

But that would be a lie.

Because life has become life. And I am responsible for managing my time, and money, and relationships.

I’m being forced to grow up. I’ve always wanted to grow up.

Now I’m just letting time slip through my hands.

Enjoy God, Amanda. Enjoy Him, and everything else will fall into place.